I N F I N I T Y

wow.

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 01:47:35 GMT

This feeling has no meaning

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 16:19:09 GMT

I'm really not sure where to begin, maybe I should start with whats going wrong & then to things that are right. So that when I finish writting I can he happy, ya know.

So my sister is the biggest bitch in the world, she blacked mail me. She went through all my text & shit without telling me, she just took my phone with her to mexicali & decided to snoop. She read the text that ramon sends me that say "can i hit it or what?" Or the one where he says "woo! i'm already naked!" We just joke around about that kind of stuff, but she took it all serious. So she came to the conclusion that ramon & I are having sex. hahahaha, not even. But yeah so I asked her not to do it again cause it was rude, & then she said "oh, so thats how you're going to be well you can either be nice to me, or i'll tell mom" & honestly I don't care if she does, the only problem is that my mom would explode & do something emberassing. & I honestly couldn't handle that.

She told my dad, him & I discussed the issue of me having sex & yeah. He knows I have so much more self respect for myself then to just go fuckin someone i've barely been with. My dad trust me, & that is why I love him. He's the onyl one I can trust, & i'm the only one he can trust, it works out. When I get married, I hope my husband has qualities like my dad, respectful, hardworking, loving, trust-worthy, etc.

Yesterday I fasted so today would be the 2nd day I fast, i'm trying to keep it up till monday & maybe tuesday, or maybe even for more. If not then i'll go back to the 2-4-6-8 diet. I can't do that diet, its too hard to stay within 200 cals, & so on. Plus once I ate, I don't stop. Thursday night I binged, I think thats what led me to not eat yesterday.
Oh well day 2 better work out.

I've spent the past 2 days with ramon, & I have no complaints. I feel so tiny, warm, perfect when i'm in his arms. Sometimes we'll just lay on his bed, completely silent, in the dark, & our arms wrapped around each other & it is the most enjoyable feeling in the world. He told me to remember that the 24th is one month. I really do feel like its been forever, only 13 more days till 1 month. Ugh, no one knows how much I really do like him. He's everything, he's so sweet. I want to never leave him. never. SO I dunno. ayy I want to be with him everyday.

:D sd;fhsuebsjdbf

If you see my reflection

Thu, 09 Nov 2006 03:26:15 GMT

Ugh, everything is going horribly wrong.

I hate myself, I hate my sister, I hate distance, I hate lacrosse, I hate some of my "friends", I hate just about everything except ramon.

He's the only thing that keeps the smile on my face, someday I want him to be the only thing that matters. Someday I want to be the only thing he cares about. Today I was listening to the song he sent me, & I couldn't help but smile, i felt like a freak randomly smiling by myself, but whatever he's amazing. I just couldn't help but remembering how he said "This is how I felt" The song is Gone so young by Amber Pacific, its beautiful.
I wrote a poem for him, i'm lame, i'm not really planning on showing him but here it goes.
"When words aren't good enough
Then I hope this kiss makes up for the silence,
I just want to keep you happy
I just want you to stay here with me
All things seem to lose value
Because i'm happy & thats all I need
So when the kisses aren't good enough
I hope that through these hugs
You can feel the warmth you bring.

Remember that song you sent me?
You said its how you felt.
Well I tried to find a song with meaning
But none of them seemed right
Because none of them talked about the smiles you bring
Or about your eager steady lips
Maybe because no else has expierenced this.
So i've got the song stuck on repeat
& Somehow it hasn't lost its meaning
I believe its because I still feel so In love.

I'm in love or something like it
Though i'm not really sure
cause i've never felt this, I suppose.
I was wrong when I said
that I was so over you."

I suck at poems.

My neck hurts, I ache throughout my entire, I hate my thighs they are so fuckin huge. I hate how i'm so short, I wish I could just grow a litle more. Sometimes I just want to be someone else, you know I want to be this perfect image of myself. Actually i've never had this perfect image of myself, I sort of just believe that if I get thinner, thinner... & thinner, that I will be fine. But being thin is so hard to achieve. I've lost self restraint, I had a snicker, a milky way, e-pels, about 5 chips, some rice, chocolate ball & I really could've done with out all of this, I need to find CONTROL! where is the desire in me? I need to find it again.

I hate my sister, she took my cell phone & read all my text messages, what a fuckin nosy bitch, she's tellin me that "she knows whats up" like ramon & I have never done it, so she needs to shut the fuck up. She really had no reason to take my phone, I can't understand her sometimes. She calls me & says "we really need to talk" Yeah she really needs to back the fuck off thats what needs to happen. Fuckin bitch. I envy her.

I hate distance, I don't like how I live so far away from ramon, cause that means I hardly get to see him.

I hate lacrosse, lately the practices are shit.

I hate some of my "friends", they're so fake & into themselves. They really need to grow up.

I'm starting to see space ships in bankhead

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 03:23:58 GMT

I straight up miss ramon. I straight up want to be with him. I think that he's perfect in almost everyway.... almost. I dunno... but something inside me tells me he's going to last forever. I sometimes wonder what it would be like... if I didn't get back together with him. I'd like to believe i'd still be hopelessly bummed & trying to get with chris, who knows. Atleast I know I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now.

Everytime I get a text message from him, my face lights up & I get happy, nothing can ruin that feeling... NOTHING.

So I just saw him.
Ugh, life is beautiful. He's a dork.
yeahh blahhh

Suck Muh Dick

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 14:38:39 GMT

Everyday is beautiful.

Everyday I grow more affectionate towards ramon.

Yesterday in English, I appearently gave the most thoughtful & breath taking speech ever.
I got an A+ & the teacher to almost ball in tears.

yeah wassup i'm good.

I'd update more.

but really I have no time.

These things

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 14:08:04 GMT

So I find myself really into ramon, he's the greatest, well 2nd to pablo. I miss that guy, but I miss him less now that i've found ramon.
I must believe that yesterday was one of the most AMAZING days i've ever had in my ENTIRE life.

I went to his house around 12 & I left at 6 30. So I got there he was taking a shower so I was talking to his friends miguel & joe, then I help him wash dishes. Then we all sat around watching his little brother play with "moon sand" its the craziest shit ever. Then we went to his couch & watched football, his friend miguel & joe fell asleep, but throughout the time we were on the couch, ramon was hugging me, holding my hand, kissing me, infront of his friends, which really means a lot. Miguel & I were fighting over ramon throughout the whole time we where on the couch, it was really funny. Then his friends left "ey, joe you wanna come sleep at my house?" "yeah sure, I get the top yea?" hahahhaha. Then ramon & I went to his room & watched monster house, & sometimes throughout the movie we'd just start kissing & we'd lay right next to each other & the world sort of seemed to freeze & things where the way they SHOULD be. For some of those moments, I really wouldn't say anything, silence seemed approaprite, but in the back of my mind all I wanted to say was "i'm really glad we're back together" I managed to say it later on. & he said "yeah me too babe" we joked around. I kissed his neck while he was sobbing & it was the cutest thing ever. Then he started to tickle me, he thought it was entertaining, I supoose I did too. I kept saying stop, but I really didn't mean it & he knew it. Ugh, I wish I could go into detail, but all I want to remember is how perfect & infinite it felt to be in his arms, to feel so small, to feel loved.

I like him a lot. I really really like him.

<3

Now i'm sitting here crazy like damn

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 17:22:19 GMT

Ugh. So is it weird when you get to the point where you refuse to enjoy the simplest things in life, when there is a constant pain the back of your head, when death lurks at your shoulder & only reminds you that everything is alright. I suppose this isn't the life anyone wants to lead, the kind where you see how long you can last without food, the kind of life where your image is distorted, the kind of life where your mood decides how much food you'll intake. Wether ti be that I was meant for this sort of life, to prove to myself that I can withstand anything. To prove that I will not be Mrs.Average-American at a weight of 180. Why not ship off this excess food we have & give it to the countries who starve... because they have no other choice. All for the sake of economy, for the money, for the pleasure of being the best country. Funny how government ties in with everything. Its funny how people ignore me when I beg for help, just because i'm not "underweight", because I am not all bones, because I dream about dessert. If they only knew how twisted my mind is, how I do not belong to this body, I starve for perfection, but even that sounds pathetic to me, because perfect is to be nothing, but how is being a nothing perfect at all? Its as if i'm losing to win, yet winning to lose all of this. Getting closer to what seemed far, yet getting farther from what needs to be close. Being at the bottom & feeling like its hopeless to continue, yet being at the top & knowing that one more day makes a difference, less food makes a difference, one more chance to turn this all around... will make a difference. & it isn't so much of me getting rid of this "addiction" or "image" I have of myself, because you cannot get rid of addictions, you replace them. Wether by turning life into the hands of god, the notes of music, or the colors of art. You over come this addiction & your onto another, a healthier, realistic approach to living life. Who am I to deny that I cry at the sight of my thighs, who am I to say that I am fat, who am I to degrade on those who've got it better than me? I am no one, but the creator of this horrible figure I must walk around in, wether I like it or not. Until change comes to me & morphs me into the person I know I am, till I escape this cacoon of fat & into a light, thin, & beautiful woman. I cannot see myself being happy any other way, yes people love me either way. But more people will notice me & speak of me bad & good, recognition is all I ask for, just because I do not have the body of an ednos does not mean I am not. Do not judge me, do not mistake me for the average teen who sits on their ass all day, eating to pass the hours. All I can do is keep going, through hell, because its all I have. There is no other choice, there is no other path towards the light, I was unhappy when I was fat, I am unhappy right now, change causes happiness. Through being a nothing, I can start there & turn into something, something admirable & noticable, something worth the struggle.

I need to rest my mind. I need to get away from this twisted phobia. i'm realy into ramon, last night around 3 I woke up & I couldn't get him out of my mind, or go back to sleep due to me feeling so great about him. I turned down a bowl of special k, now all I need to do is make sure I do not give into the temptation of celebration.

I hate what i'm turning into.

I want my sister to leave so I can weigh myself & see if i've gained, if I have then i'm on major restriction. cause i'm so close to my goal. that i'd die to just ... slip away.

I'm a business woman now

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 14:43:34 GMT

I burnt brians funfetti cake at the sides :[

I even got up extra early to bake it.

BOO ME. BOOO meeeeeee
whatevaa i'll just walk to the store & buy one haha.

EVERYBODY WANNA SHINE ON ME,
Shine? get it I sound like him when he rhymes.

blahblahhblahh
I like ramon so much.

Laisse tomber les filles

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 04:43:46 GMT

TODAY WAS AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I spent my whole day after school with ramon.

my school day was not good enough to write about so here I go,
Christy picks me up & she's in a bad mood & bitches at me, whateva, but she drops me off at ramons, but he wasn't there yet so I ended up walking around the neighborhood talking to Gio on the phone. Then I went inside ramon's house, it was his parents anniversary very cute. We then started watching Slither, which is probably the gayest movie ever. Thats not what matters we didn't do much just hold hands at probably the middle of the movie through the rest, kissed me once. Then the movie was over & we just talked in his room, occasionally kissed, then we joked around some more, we both ended up laying on his bed & just making jokes & having an amazing time, & before that he kissed me, like the kind of kiss he only gave about 6 months ago, according to me, like his kisses are different they involve only well like lip locking & long I dunno how to describe them, but I love em. we kissed for a long time, we hugged each other & just stared at each other & it feels so wonderful to feel this once again, it feels great to know its genuine, I hope this feeling last forever.
Then my dad was going to let me stay till 9, but my crazy mom ruined it she even went to talk to his mom about how I was "sleeping" with ramon, when i'm not. I hate how she has NO trust in me.
whatever.

RAMON MAKES ME THE HAPPIEST GIRL ALIVE.
& he says I make him rather happy too.
:D

this is all i've ever asked for, & i've recieved it,
now my next goal, LOSE 18 pounds!

paralyzed

Fri, 27 Oct 2006 02:52:46 GMT

Sometimes to gain control, we must give into them.

TODAY is the happiest day of my life! its the lowest weight i've been in a really long time, & now that i'm only 8 pounds away from being 100 i'm not planning on eating this entire weekend, maybe a bowl of special k & a sandwich but thats it.

PROOF I WEIGH 108!!!!!

I hate my feet.

OMG OMG OMG OMG, its weird, even though i'm thinner, I still feel as huge as I did at 130. ugh. I hate myself, & i refuse to love the body my mind is trapped in until i'm at 90 pounds or under 100. A two-digit number is all I desire, its all i want to be. Its something I must & will have.

today was uneventful & stupid. I didn't see ramon, therefor it sucked.
yesterday I did & I kissed him, hugged him, & felt so happy to be with him.
ugh it feels so good to have this.

:D

Halloween returns

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 03:29:36 GMT

Well today was another amazing day.
I hung out with ramon today, ugh. ugh. ugh. I LIKE HIM SO MUCH :D
He kisses me so softly, he makes me laugh so much, he is different this time, he likes me.

I can't explain how amazing it was.

oh yeah I worked out so hard today I was about to throw up, & faint today cause I was tired.
but I kept it up.

i burned about 600 calories even more! probably.

<3

Its electrifying

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 04:20:41 GMT

today is better than it should be.

Only one mission- Get that cash ;-)

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 01:06:54 GMT

Blahblahblah,
Today was really weird only because it went from extremely good, to really lame, to really good to amazing.
The morning was fun, I did my usual karoke song to 'Hands Down' by Dashboard Confessionals, apprearently I should really sing for a living. haha.
First period was fun, discussing with ricky about my problems, begging for brownies, & doing absoluetly no work because I was too lazy
Second period was really weird because once again, I did not do my work. This is so unlike me.
Third period, I did shit except for beg for more brownies, but we had a guest speaker, & she told us that basically that if I join the navy it will be a constant party, tons of boys, & alcohol, & free college! I thought she was stupid, because instead of describing what the navy was really like & all the intensive training, skills & job there was, she went on about how all she did her first year was party, & how navy sailor men had atleast 15 girlfriends. There was no value to her presentation. whatev I think i'm gonna join the navy so I can go to college & only spend $5 for my baby.
oh yeah Lauren fell today during lunch, it was the funniest shit ever. like it was a complete skid across the concrete.

The rest of the day was pointless, I did although enjoy 6th period a lot. Chris & I passed the period talking & well procrastinating. Then he had left once the bell rang & I was upset cause I usually walk with him after school & as I get to the door he's there holding it & he was like "god, its about time i've been holding the door open just for you" I don't care if he meant it or didn't, cause it was sweet of him to even say that.

Lacrosse practice was fun, even though the team is so unorganized & constantly going against what we said the season was going to be like.
haha. weird ughhh

OH YEAH! Ramon texted me "gaabie I feel so stupid for leaving you serio you were the greatest thing I ever had if I get a second chance, boy am I goona take advantage of it"

ugh, I spent a little over an hour on the phone with him last night.
fuck it.

Let me clear

Tue, 24 Oct 2006 02:58:38 GMT

Ok so i've noticed something that all my boyfriends have that I thought I should point out.
they're all tall & underweight.
I guess I find that stuff attractive.

Lost within meaningless words

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 04:37:25 GMT

I feel stupid, or something
cause appearently Ramon didn't want to break up with me, he just said that he felt he was better off single.

ahh i'll write about it tomorrow, since i feel faint & really sick
i got away with not eating the whole day :p

EDIT:
So tomorrow I see ramon *pukes*
Brian brings up a really good point & I guess I just need to stop the whole subconsicous thought I have about me maybe getting back together with him. cause I can't & I won't, I feel as if I owe it to myself to find someone better, decent. cha know.

Oh well I just ate a banana so much for "me not eating anything today", tomorrow is another day, another chance.

Appearently I said something really "philosophical" today
"If you're trying to do something good, & something bad comes out, keep doing something good, if you're doing your best, but it turns to shit, still do your best, if you're singing your heart out, & people say you have no talent, keep singing your heart out"

I was talking jose (random bean skater from mexico) he has a band, & they really are rather decent.
whatevaaa.

I've noticed with the years, i've become really good at what I do. I've developed tricks, techniques & really good excuses. but I suppose anything with time anything can be perfected.
& for some reason I was sleeping & i had that reality dreaming thing happen to me, I fell asleep listening to my ipod & in my dream, I appeared talking to myself, & I asked myself "gaabie, i've heard you've lost weight, you've ever wonder who your losing it for" & thats the lyric straight from the song mary jane, except it doesn't say gaabie.

ugh I really don't want to see ramon, but I guess I have to anyways, even though alfredo might be their, I really do hope he is, so I can concentrate on something else rather than ramon.
ugh. *pukes*

Pink lipstick called dipshit

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 16:14:46 GMT

My mom apologized, although I knew she would. She can't live without me, ha that sounds pretty stupid.
My heart is starting to race since i'm leaving to mexico soon, I have some sort of phobia when I cross the border. I always get nausated & feel that i'm going to faint. I'm just traumatized.

fuck mexico.

A part of me says you had what you want
A part says to pack my bags
a part of me says that I can't do that
A part of me wants to leave
yet A part of me wants to be here with you
& every time I think we're over & done,
you make me fall back in love.

blah, I need to meet someone worth it, someone who can change my way of thinking, cause every guy i've met is a complete asshole. Everyone can tell I diserve something better, who knows, maybe I don't.

Craig:"gaabie, remember that one time we got high?"
Gaabie:"yeah, haha, what about it?"
Craig:"I dunno I guess it was the day I realized how great you are"

Oh yeah pictures.
Brian & me at the LQ homecoming game, definetly a good time

Hiking

Backyard these pictures have a deeper meaning than they appear to. (personal experince)

You hold frankie, & you hold estel, i gotta kick some ass

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 06:10:09 GMT

Today was strange & eventful.
I don't know wether I like what tomorrow will be like or what I suppose it will be like.
Oh well,

It's weird but while I was at starbucks enjoying the weather i've decided that my mom or my sister can't stop my shine, because this is God's plan, it isn't mine.

Blahblahblah, edamamamamemeeeeee
I went to a sushi bar & now i'm all stuffed. I sat down listened to my BDF playlist & just felt good. i'm so fat.
ugh.
:[

tomorrow i'm going to mexicali, I hate going there, I have a fear of going there.

Oui, je pleurai mais c'est jour je ne pluerai pas

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 02:01:56 GMT

I really feel like dying, as unreasonable, stupid, & morbid that may sound, its how I feel. I wish I was getting ready to go to Carlee's show but due to difficulties, I could not. I've had an awful evening.

It all started with my sister taking the clothes I threw away out of the garbage & showing my mom. Though this morning my mom CLEARLY said "All of the clothes you don't want throw it away." So I did. When I said this, my mom deny it, which really got me mad cause she did say it. Then Christy told my mom that I was cutting the heels off my heels. I really don't care because its not like I was ever going to wear them anyways so I decided to make them into flats. Oh well.
Then christy & my mom walk into my room & christy says "what the hell is wrong with you" I think she enjoys asking that question, because she always does. Though, I really refuse to answer it, so I just ignored her & kept fixing my room. Then my mom kept talking about how i'm "retarded", "stupid", "carless", & "worthless" I don't think it went through when I told her I didn't care, because she kept going on. She yelled at me, then christy as she was walking out said "Shut up man, you're just stupid & you probably get that from yourd dad." If there is one thing that I do not allow is for people to say shit about my dad because he has ALWAYS been there for me. He loves me no matter what I do, & he is honestly the only one that has ever truely cared about me, my well being, & if I was happy or not. & it really means a lot to me.
The feeling is overwhelming, no one knows how much my dad means to me. he's honestly MY EVERYTHING. without him my world would stop. Hopefully it doesn't stop anytime soon.
so anyways, I told christy that she cannot talk about my dad like that, & she told me she can say anything she wants & i told her that she can, just not about my dad, cause she doesn't know him, & until she knows him like I do, then she can say shit about him, yet until then she can't shut her mouth. She told me that I was stupid & that I needed to shut up, so I just gave her a nasty stare that said I meant everything I said about her shutting up. So she walked out of my mom & left. My mom went on about how "this was a family & we need to be loving" WE are not a family, a family does not demean each other, isn't greedy, & doesn't fight over stupid shit.
Well I told my mom that just like I wont accept people talking bad about her, I wasn't going to put up with anyone talking bad about my dad. She then quickly sprang up from the bed & tried choking me & hitting me. Honestly, she's lucky she's my mom or else I would've popped her & beat her ass down. But I still hold some sort of respect for her. So all I did was hold her hands as she tried to hit me. She then pulled away & started crying, I told her to calm down & I walked out of my room & into the kitchen, she kept crying, I dont care if she was crying, she's pathetic.
Then she yelled some more, & christy did to, Christy really needs to realize that I hold no respect towards her, that I dislike her, & that ins't because of the things she said to my dad or me, but because she treats angelica like shit. Honestly, she talks to angelica as if she was older, shes basically asking her to grow up quicker than she should. Calling her stupid & saying "oh we should show your coach how retarded you are" like honestly I would slap christy, but I can't. So what if i'm not the best aunt, I really can't say anything to angelica because she's so young that it wouldn't matter to her. but I have promised this to myself, when angelica is older & reasons, I will always be there for her & I will always help her out when she needs an escape, cause I would hate for her to grow up all her life thinking she's worthless.
Well i'm currently now not speaking to my mom, more shit happened but I guess I don't want to write anymore, due to me crying so much.

I know this much, God would never put me through anything that I couldn't handle. So therefor I know I can deal with this, I know I will succeed & overcome this whole situation. Nothing can stop me from being what I am. Even though I do not know what I am.

Also I guess I don't care if I fast anymore through lacrosse season, starting monday I will not eat, not a bite. I refuse to be fat, I want to be pretty just like she thinks christy is. I remember this year at my party, the waiter complimented me & said I was really pretty, then my mom looked at me & said to him "well you should see my other daughter, she's way prettier than her" it woudln't have bothered me if she was kidding, but she wasn't. ever since then, that has haunted me. Because I can't help it if i'm not "pretty" enough. I was born this way, & I can't change it, I can only accept it. But I can't accept it if she can't, so i'm stuck being ugly I suppose thats how it works. Being ugly isn't fun.

would you find it in your heart to make this go away & just let me rest in pieces

That movie was so blast.

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 05:43:09 GMT

Ugh. I really do hate how I wasn't able to open up today with Brian's friend, as much as I wanted to.
I mean, I guess I wasn't putting as much effort as I should've but deep inside I tried. Honestly, I just preffered to not sound like an idiot with complete strangers. I think thats mainly why I didn't talk as much, cause I didn't have anything good to add on.
The weird thing is, I really wanted to cry all night, it was something overwhelimg, unbearable, & unreasonable.
When I told Brian he sort of just stood there & wondered why, & I think he hugged me.
As awkard as tonight was, it was genuine & thats all i've been asking for lately, something REAL.

My day in general was REALLY great, it had its downs, but most definetly more ups.
So the day started off typical The morning gang & I all talking about random subjects no one could care less about . Then me making fun of ricky for no reason, only because I enjoy doing it & he does too. Apprearntly calvin thinks I like him, I think its because Gio keeps telling him I "know whats up" Even though I clearly don't.
Then Gio & I had a fun time at the assembly, making fun of accents & the perv host, he enjoys watching french females undress.
Then Star, Gio & I watched CSI in PSA, we're so lazy, the class has procrastinated a project for the past month & the teacher is ok with that. oh well, its funny.
Old man & the sea, is the lamest movie ever.
Lunch was the usual, brian, dayvyd, phillipa, lauren & I all chillin, well honestly sometimes I believe lauren doesn't even count because she never says anything, just occassionly will laugh at something we say. Brian & I decided that he needs to stop walking next her like he's going to hug her but doesn't. cause it probably fucks with lauren's mind.
Alfredo didn't talk to me or hug at all during 5th period, ugh. The worst part is he knows I kind of have a crush on him, whatever, he's a fuckin dipshit.
Chris is still the coolest freshman, he actually makes me laugh & isn't as immature as most guys in 9th grade usually are. I think thats why I enjoy being with him. Its weird but yesterday I remember it was the 3rd day in my algebra class & I saw chris & I thought he was like the best looking guy in the class so when we got our seats changed, I was hoping I would be seated next to him. Randomly, I did & by the 4th day, we started talking :]

ANYWAYS after school was great, just chillin with star & gio they're the best.

then I walked to brian's house, we stayed there for atleast 1 or hour or more before joe came, it gave me & brian a lot of time to catch up & just talk ya know, break the ice.
I really missed brian, & joe too. The day with them was fun, typical, yet very fun.
We rode the bus to maki maki, were I stuffed myself, blah, oh well I can always just go to the gym tomorrow, its ok if I eat today, cause I diserve it I suppose.
While brian & I walked to the YMCA, we talked, mainly him, but It was alright. I really do enjoy just listening to him speak, I guess it calms me, I have yet to figure that out.
Someday brian will see how much better he is than he feels he is, cause I just don't think he knows it yet.
i'm really tired, ugh.

I don't think i've ever mentioned ramon's name as much as I did today.
he's in the past.

Whatever makes you happy

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 13:36:25 GMT

I was going to write something long & with details.
But i'm not up for the challenge I suppose. I've got a horrible back ache (ugh) & I look like shit, well thats no surprise, I just enjoy thinking it is for the sake of feeling like I actually looked nice the day before. I think I will take some tylenol before I go to school.

Oh yeah & i'm doing a 3 day fast with brian :] Since I can't do it much longer due to conditioning on Monday-Thursday. Yeah I would hate to start fainting, I guess i'm over that?
Yesterday, Sarah & I discussed not eating at the tournament last year, then she brought up how I was fainting all the time, & I freaked out cause I didn't know why, even though I DID. I laughed & said "well was I really suppose to blow my cover of being anorexic at the time?" She laughed & looked at me like "oh well its in the past" & we practiced.

i'll explain practice & the strange day I had yesterday once I get home from
sch00l.

Even though I dislike school because its so predictable & long.
ugh. I use to love when the weeks flew by.
oh well.

You can fix your nose if he says so

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 01:58:39 GMT

Lacrosse practice.... SUCKED!
I was so pissed when I noticed lauren's mom didn't have the practice planned.
Like She wanted to make things work by just randomly thinking of things.
She should've planned these sort of things.
ugh.
But I am better than most of the girls cause i've been practicing this whole summer, so i'm proud of that
& we are conditioning tomorrow so I guess thats cool.
;]

anorexic love.

Who knows?

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 00:00:02 GMT

I believe that everything i've ever been taught is a lie. I really don't have much of a reason to why I feel that way, but I do.
I think it may have to do with the fact that Lauren is dating Brian, yeah I think that's it. She's a horrible person, she doesn't appreciate anything, or do anything for her own good at that matter.

These days could really get a lot better & I KNOW that they will, cause lacrosse practice starts tomorrow. I really am excited mainly because we have a new coach & I have no clue what to expect from her other than "She won't tolerate bullshit" atleast thats good to know. I was tired of the drama within the team, there really was no need for it. Something withing me is telling me that this year we are going to win a lot more games & the team will be more Team-like ha. I hope i'm not wrong.

Anyways my day started out with me being extremely tired I was in no mood to wake up. I also found it very strange that I haven't had a dream that I can atleast remember in a long time. I wonder what that means.
First period was typical.
2nd period was also typical, although I really want to punch merari in the face & then tell her to shut the fuck up. She's so fuckin immature I swear. She cannot shut up for one second she always has to say something stupid or do something strange. ugh. GROW UP!
3rd period was boring but thats when I started to get really heated about lauren calling me a slut. fuck her.
4th was boring, I finished The Old man & the Sea, what a boring book. I guess I felt sort of mad when I found out that all of the Old man's work & struggle was for nothing, the fuckin sharks ate the fish. He was sort of a Christ-like figure though, due to the bloody hands & the 3 day ordeal blahhhhhhh. yeah whatever.
LUNCH was good I mocked brian, & dayvyd threw water at the fuckin annoying girls that constantly yell Mr.Green & try & get Brian's attention. Lauren I think started crying i don't know & don't care. I saw alfredo during lunch, I never noticed how much his presence made me smile.
5th period I spent most of it admiring Alfredo & talking to him, he waited for me outside of class, I thought that was rather sweet of him, then he gave me a hug :D Christina gave me her chain, so now i'm a gangster.
Sometimes I wonder why I like him. Oh well I get to see him tonight & today i'm gonna play basketball with him.
6th was another fun period, Making fun of chris & laughing at nothing. The usual. Chris is cool he likes to talk to me ha.
He even walked with me after school :]

I made a BDF playlist on itunes, I really like it, they're inspiring & when i'm about to reach for food I just think of the songs & the lyrics & I stop.
I let brian listen to some of the songs since he's also going through this. He sort of understood what the meanings to some of the sons where, then he came across the distric sleeps alone tonight by the postal service & he didn't get it.
I guess it has to do with more of my personal expirence & how that songs ties in with it.

here are the songs:
Iris-Goo Goo dolls
I try- Macy Gray
Rest in Pieces- Saliva
The District Sleeps alone tonight- The postal Service
Breathe- Telepopmusik
Me & Mia- Ted leo & the pharmacist
Mellon collie & the infinite sadness - The smashing Pumpkins
Sleep to dream- fiona apple
Somewhere only we know - keane
Creep- Radiohead
Unpretty- TLC
Ana's song- Silverchair
Big isn't beautiful- King Adora
Limp- Fiona Apple
Perfect- Alanis Morrisette
How to completely disappear- Radiohead
Unwell- Matchbox 20
Walk on- U2
Why do you love me?- Garbage
Jackie's strength- Tori Amos
Paper bag- fiona apple
Perfect illusions- Alanis Morrisette
Jesus walks- kanye west
Yellow- Coldplay
Mary jane- Alanis Morrisette
Resistance song- Jill Sobule
Black & blue- Counting Crows
Supermodel- Jill Sobule
Angel- Sarah Mclachlan
In too deep- Bird York
Outside- Staind
Hold on-Sarah Mclachlan

Wonderful songs.

off to gym
:D

I was the one worth leaving

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 13:29:56 GMT

well I think something just happened,
i'm not sure wether its by coincedence or some sort of "miracle"
but things are starting to become like they use to be.

I hope that this feeling will last forever.

So today I will only eat
2 bowls of special k - breakfast & lunch
1 special k bar- school snack

:]
then the regular 2 hours of running/walking.

Another day just believe...
Another day just breathe.

Sinny is sexy Big isn't beautiful

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 00:38:29 GMT

Hmm I need to lose weight I really do.

So I've decided i'm going to prove that I have control
I will only eat special k & fruits.
nothing else.
I swear if I eat anything I will killmyself.
i'm tired of being fat, i want to be like the rest of the girls
THIN & HAPPY.

ugh.
fuck this.

I wasn't fast enough

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 04:38:54 GMT

Lauren thinks I want to take brian away from her.
She's so stupid, I feel like she has no trust in me, I feel like thinks i'm some sort of slut willing to "steal" her man.

maybe she needs to stop playing hard to get, she's lucky he likes her for her "personality" cause she's fuckin ugly. ugh,. stupid.
She's suppose to be my "best friend" Honestly i'm done with her if she feels that way about me.
Cause thats all she does, is worry if i'm going to make a move on brian & I know lauren thinks i'm prettier than her, & well she feels insecure, so i don't know.

I feel faint, I really hope I don't faint again.
i'm tired of this fuckin shit.
I wish I was someone who wasn't going through this.

Something I noticed which is a common misconception about people with ED is that they are selfish & care about no one else or the harm they cause other people. The truth is we know what they truely feel, we know how much it pains another person to see us hurt ourselves when they care so much. This only makes it harder, the pressure greater, the victory... much sweeter.

Another thing is that 100% of the world has access to the media yet only 4% has an ED. honestly, the media has about no influence in our disorder, because if a girl who just saw gemma ward at a show decideds to turn anorexic to be like her, is stupid & may god help her. The celebrities, models, & other merely thinspos & just give us a sense of reality.

Blahblahblahblah i'm stupid when on nyquil. So you've got your head in the clouds.

REEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWIND

I want to see the movie ATL.